Kick Ass (2010)

Sickening violence: just the way you like it! Fuck yeah Mark Millar, I concur. From the hot sweaty feverish union of Mark Millar's graphic novel, Matthew Vaughn's direction, and the Internet, comes Kick-Ass; a movie that could only work in a world where geeks are the dominant species. But really this movie should be called Hit Girl and Friends. Because Hit Girl makes this movie.

Super dork Dave Lizewski, who isn't Hit Girl btw, goes through the typical high school hell displaying talent for nothing except being invisible to girls. Why he hasn't tested this ability in say the girl's locker room when he's a nerdy virgin loser is beyond me but I digress. Dave loves comics, Dave wants to make the world a better place. Problem is, Dave is Dave and not a superhero. So one day he gets it in his head that all he needs to be a superhero is a suit and a cool name. So after buying a svelte scuba suit, because all superheros might need to scuba on the streets of New York, Dave goes out to bust crime. Problem is he's less Spider Man and more like one of the Mystery Men from that Ben Stiller movie.

Dave goes out, Dave gets stabbed, Dave doesn't learn from the whole being stabbed ordeal and goes out again, only this time he learns he can take a beating because his nerves are fried. So now Dave goes from being Dave the supernerd to Kick Ass the supernerd who can be a human punching bag. But it works, he saves a dude, starts a myspace account, and gets the attention of the Internet and the attention of two real super heroes.

Which brings us to Hit Girl and Big Daddy. Hit Girl is well bad ass. To get an idea of how bad ass she is, imagine if a dinosaur crapped out lightning which struck a robotic unicorn that exploded in a shower of magic which rained upon a Journey concert attended by the cast of Firefly. Then imagine if a 11 year old girl was more awesome than that image. That's Hit Girl. She's like every gun toting sword swinging bad ass chick cliche crammed into a carry on sized package. She swears, she stabs, she can catch ammo clips with her gun and reload in mid air. She also resembles that chick from Lazy Town, except she doesn't bake pretty cakes. Hit Girl and her father, Big Daddy, played by a less annoying than usual Nic "my kid's named Kal El" Cage go around putting the ante in vigilante justice as they waste an increasingly large number of mobsters around town. Big Daddy is not only a bad ass in his own right, he imparts his bad-assery to his child, to a point where her chores include learning to take a bullet and knowing the origins of assault rifles. It's pretty much the childhood I wish I had.

So does the movie work? Fuck yeah it works. Will fan boys get annoyed that the movie is less about Kick Ass, like the graphic novel was, and more about Hit Girl? Probably, but Hit Girl would probably say they could suck her non existent left testicle because she's such a darling. There's explosions, there's shoot outs, there's dismemberment, Mclovin's in it, and there's swearing, good god there's swearing. This is not a movie to bring kids to, and as a society everyone should throw rotten fruit at anyone who does for fear of child endangerment. But this movie definitely lives up to it's name.

The Stupid Tall Hot Girl is really a nerd! An interview with Michele Boyd of The Guild.

My loyal readers will know that I love The Guild, mostly because I was one of those people who was just short of wrist cutter obsessive with World of Warcraft back in the ye old days of 2008 and before. Last season of The Guild introduced several new characters including Riley, also known as The Stupid Tall Hot Girl that was the roommate of the incredibly buff asian guy that Felicia Day's character was into. What made Riley stand out, aside from the fact she was really hot and living with an asian guy (someday I'll be that asian guy!) was that the character was also a female gamer and loved underdogs (someday I'll be that underdog too!). Through some major finagling and cunningly shrewd communication skills aka randomly emailing someone in the middle of the night; I was able to interview the actress who plays Riley, the wonderful Michele Boyd. Michele is what we in the Awesome Forever world consider true awesome. She's an actress, a scientist, a gamer, amongst other talents. Here is her interview in it's entirety:

The lovely Michele Boyd

#1 - On The Guild, which is where a lot of us recognize you from, you play the tall hot girl that's crazy for FPS games and likes underdogs. How much overlap do you have with that character? At a glance it sounds like that character was tailored to you since you are a rather attractive woman and rumor has it that you're a gamer.

While I am definitely a gamer, I'm actually primarily an RPG gamer, specifically WoW. I do also really like 3rd person shooters like Gears of War. But I definitely wouldn't be so dismissive of the MMORPG gamers, they're my people!

#2 - You went to school for Neurobiology, Physiology, and Behavior. Did you ever imagine that you'd ever be able to use that educational background as an actress, let alone for the Discovery Channel?

No way! I wouldn't change what I majored in, though. I think there's a lot of crossover between Behavioral Sciences and acting. Both are really about figuring out what makes people tick. The Discovery Channel was a lucky fluke; my parents were happy that my degree was getting SOME use, at least. :)

#3 - According to your bio on IMDB, you're a military kid who moved around a lot and you went to school on both coasts. Was there any place growing up where you wished you stayed forever?

Hmm...not really. I loved moving around so often; I got to reinvent myself every few years. I was also just as big a dork when I was a kid, so I didn't have a lot of close friends that I was sad to be leaving all the time. I'd say my favorite place outside of California was Boston. It's the perfect post-college place to live, tons of fun, laid back people. Who are insane drivers. #4 - Having lived in Nor Cal and So Cal and the West Coast and the East Coast, do you buy into that whole rivalry thing they have going on, or do you think it's silly?

I saw a lot of that rivalry when I was in school in Nor Cal, but down here in SoCal, I don't think people are nearly as fired up. Especially in Los Angeles, where everyone is from somewhere else anyway! It's kind of like when I lived in Boston; everyone there despises the Yankees and was fanatical about any game between them, but whenever I was in New York, I got the impression New Yorkers just didn't really care about us crazy Boston people. ;)

#5 - I met your co-star Felicia Day at Wonder Con 09 and she told me that most celebrities are just regular working people like the rest of us. Agree, or disagree? Any crazy celebrity moments you've witnessed or partaken in that you care to share?

I don't think I know any celebrities, so that's hard to say! I'm deliberately leaving Felicia out of this, although I do think of her as a celebrity, because she's attained her status so differently than everyone else in the status quo. However, I think it's just like anything else; you have the fame-whore celebrities who probably were born thinking they were better than everyone else, and then you have the celebrities who worked very hard to get where they are and appreciate good friendships and sincerity in other people.

#6 - What was it like being on The Guild, did the cast welcome you with open arms and are you all friends now?

We braid each others' hair and hang 'Keep Out' signs on our treehouse. ;) Everyone on the cast was amazing and very friendly, as is the entire crew. I wouldn't say we hang out much outside of filming, I've even been a really bad friend and have yet to make it to one of Sandeep (Zaboo)/Felicia/Jeff's (Vorik) improv nights. But everyone appreciates someone who loves what they're working on, and we all love working on The Guild.

#7 - Obviously your character Riley will be in the upcoming season of The Guild. Will we see a lot of her, or only a little? Any chance she or Wade would join the guild as their 7th and 8th members?

I can only say that Riley is going to have a more major role in Season 3. Felicia would kill me if I said more, I'm sorry!

#8 - What are the roles you like to play as an actress. Are there certain roles that you seek out or wont do?

To be honest, most of the roles I really want to play are a little older than me right now, which is good! That means that I have a little time to build up my resume so I can actually be CONSIDERED for those roles! But I would love to do the heist films, action films like Aliens (LOVE Ripley), things like that. I'm usually cast as the seemingly-innocent one; the best friend who's actually the serial killer. Which are fun as well.

#9 - What happened to Machines of Malice, I saw the first episode forever ago on the Discovery Channel but was never able to catch any others.

I'd love to know! Sadly, once we shoot a project the talent is largely left out of the loop as far as air dates or post-production. We did shoot 3 episodes in addition to the 3 that have already aired on Discovery, but I believe those are still stuck in post-production hell. If I find out anything, I'll be sure to tweet about it.

#10 - The Guild has generated quite a large fan base on the web. Any crazy fanboy emails or marriage proposals or the like? (aside from this one!)

Hah! Why, thank you. No real marriage proposals, but I've gotten lots of mail from really lovely fans (interestingly, a lot of them are from overseas, so the language barrier makes the letters all the more..interesting. ;) I got one yesterday which was only the phrase "I love you" repeated six times in sparkly and animated fonts. I have no idea how he did it!

#11 - What are some of your hobbies and talents? Anything you can do that no one knows about until you do it like walking on your hands?

Sadly, I have no skill with hand-walking! I did gymnastics for about 9 months as a kid before realizing the long legs weren't exactly ideal for tight flips. I just started training in parkour, which is beating me up fairly well, but it's ridiculously fun. I also snowboard as much as possible; I taught for about half a season but just couldn't keep that up. I can also imitate a baby murloc sound PERFECTLY.

#12 - Do you ever think you'll stop acting someday and pick up another career?

God I hope not! Truthfully though, I doubt it; working part time in an agency you see that people get that career break at any age. Acting is something you truly can try to do for the rest of your life. The key is finding a secondary job that doesn't drive you crazy that will enable you to pursue acting as much as possible.

#13 - Any advice for any people with Zaboo-like qualities looking to someday make out with a tall hot FPS girl of their own? (yes this is a fluff question)

LOL. Don't show up on their doorstep with blue flowers!

#14 - (Last question!) Any future roles we should look out for with you in them?

I shot an iCarly episode for Nickelodeon a little while ago, but they shoot those episodes so far in advance that apparently it won't be out til 2010!! I'm hoping I'm in something else before then!!


Catch Michele on The Guild. New episodes started yesterday!

Rollin' with a Sockit Wench

It was late July 2007 when I saw it. In the middle of an old aircraft hangar I saw two scantily clad women rolling around the concrete floor pummeling each other with their fists. In the background a Seattle punk band was playing music and there were several thousand people around me hooting and hollering with primitive fascination as we watched these two ladies scuffle. Seconds later, the fighting stopped. Was it an underground fight club I was in the middle of? No, it was roller derby. The victorious woman, known as Pia Mess, was fighting with the person on the other team that tripped her up and even though she was penalized for coming out swinging, she walked away with her head up high like she were the queen of the land. I was staring, I was yelling, I was getting turned on. This was fucking awesome.

Roller Derby has been around for almost a hundred years, but for some reason it never really caught on. As far as people were concerned throughout the years, it was a weird kitschy pseudo-sport akin to dodgeball or curling, something to be regulated to bored kids on the playground or ESPN 3-20 to fill up the time. That all changed in recent years.

So what is Roller Derby? Take roller skating, make it a race, add in elements of full contact hockey and rugby, give it some punk rock sensibilities, and bam, you got something magical. Throw in the fact that much of modern day Roller Derby is an indie sport that is predominantly women and you have a form of female empowerment that would put the 60's to shame. That's right Gloria Steinem, this is the new face of feminism, deal with it.

Where do you find Roller Derby? In old hangars, abandoned stadiums, wherever there is a lot of asphalt and bleachers, or in one case; Key Stadium where the Seattle Supersonics use to play. As of March 2009 there are over 77 leagues governed by the Women's Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA), each self-financed and regulated by large bodies of volunteers and supporters. They're not in it for the money or the fame, they're here to kick asses and take names.

These people will put you in the hospital and they'll do it with lipstick.

I recently had the opportunity to interview the lovely Sister Piston about Roller Derby. Sister Piston plays for the Sockit Wenches, one of the four teams that make up the Rat City Roller Girls based out of Seattle and for the record she can mop the floor with me, with you, and with your mom and she'd sleep like a baby afterwards.

Big Bad Sister Piston

#1 How long have you been doing Roller Derby?

2 years of training

2 years on a league
4 years total

#2 What drew you to the sport, how did you find out about it?

I saw the Rat City logo on a t-shirt (Sassy Chassis' t-shirt to be exact) and looked up the website. I asked to go see it for my birthday and I knew that day that I was going to do it. I told Mister Piston that I was going to do it and he said that he didn't think I was big enough. Boy did I prove him wrong.

#3 The Rat City Roller Girls recently started having bouts at Key Arena, how does it feel to be playing in an arena that's housed the Sonics?

It feels awesome. This team isn't going to just up and leave Seattle because of a business deal...we are Seattle.

I think it's wonderful to have the city, arena staff and sponsors be so supportive of us and to enable us to play in a more professional venue. I hope we get to stay a good long time.

The best part is that we no longer have to turn away fans. Last year, every bout sold out because of a smaller venue size...this year, folks can come and try it out and never worry about finding a place to sit and watch.

#4 Since derby is an indie sport, how much work goes into setting up games, ie funding and promotion?

I honestly think we've moved just beyond indie sport into rising sport given the growth, popularity and the fact that it's managed the test of time very well. The revival has been going strong for at least 6 or 7 years now and shows no signs of slowing with international leagues popping up all over the world.

The work that goes into it is unmeasurable. Girls are warned that they can expect a non-paying part time job when the look to join the league and it is more than true. Every aspect of the work is done, organized, managed or planned by the skaters and their friends.

There are girls that commit more time than a full time job to the sport in addition to practice and skating. There are also girls that do much less than a part time job, but when you step back and look at the situation, you see that these girls are also juggling school, a family and work on top of that.

Most of us lie somewhere in the middle doing that part time job thing.

#5 How strong are the rivalries between local teams, if you see each other on the streets is there any West Side Story-ish confrontations or is it all hugs and kisses?

There's an adage in the sport that what happens on the track stays on the track. I think that we are lucky that this is true about 98 percent of the time. Every once in a while gals lose a bit of self control and harsh words are exchanged, but for the most part, the drama gets left behind at the whistle.

That's not to say that rivalries aren't extremely strong...they are. All of us want to win. No one wants to lose...and there have definitely been some weird interpersonal things that have lead to tension between specific teams. I think it adds to the experience.

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned right?

#6 Whats the worst injury you've sustained while playing?

Hmm...I'm knocking on wood right now because I've been lucky so far.

I'd say the worst was a dislocated/separated shoulder (not sure what the official diagnosis was). I wasn't even in a game, just doing a drill and landed with all of my weight right on the top of my shoulder popping it out. I was laying in bed that night and rolled onto it and heard the biggest "chunk" sound and it popped back in and I dropped about an inch. I'll tell ya, it was like that whole, ripping the tape off the skin fast thing. It was a lot less painful after that one moment.

#7 Do you foresee retiring from the sport, or will they have to pry the skates off your cold dead feet someday?

I'm going for the cold dead feet stance. I think even when I am too broken to play anymore I will be involved with coaching or some other aspect. It's really a big part of my life and it's done so much good for me that I can't bear the thought of saying goodbye to it completely.

#8 Since derby is all self financed, how much would a typical derby player end up shelling out over a year?

I would say around....$1000 for gear and dues per year. But it's really hard to tell because you've got transportation costs to go to practice and meetings like 7 days a week, you end up spending money and fundraisers because we all tend to want to support each other and if girls can afford it they often spend a good deal on airfare to go to boot camps and RollerCon to become even better. Then there's the medical costs. Those are the big whammy.

I've said often that this is not a poor woman's sport. It's like polo sorta...you have to expect to drop some serious cash at some point.

#9 How can the fans help out besides showing up at games?

Check out the volunteer options. There's almost always something someone can do to help set things up or tear down.

And SPONSOR SPONSOR SPONSOR! If you own a business or you know someone that owns a business....start talking/thinking sponsorship. Nothing makes the derby world rock more than a good sponsor. Except winning a game.

Every dollar counts, buy merchandise, talk to your boss about a great advertising opportunity...spread the word.

#10 Any memorable bouts you'd like to share with our readers?

I would say the most memorable bout has to be one where I was just a wee beginner. It was the championship game the year before last Sockit Wenches vs Derby Liberation Front (insert speech about bitter rivalry here), my second game to play ever....I was pretty much just trying not to fall down and keep up with the pack at that point.

Our captain, and one of our star jammers, Drew Blood gets hit by Kitty Kamikaze and doesn't get up. This was not good. Our team was pretty shaken and during the half time many of us went to see her in the EMT area (just a sheet on a string back then) and she kept telling us all that she was fine, just out for the game.

So we go back and manage to win it, for her. We found out after the game that she had four broken vertebrae in her back and was high on morphine when we were all talking to her.

#11 How much has derby impacted your life?

I would say it's changed my life completely. I went from being a shy introvert behind a computer every day of my life to an outgoing, active and strong individual who isn't afraid of looking silly in the quest for finding more joy in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I still love computers. But now I know how to talk to people without a qwerty.

Catch Sister Piston and the Rat City Roller Girls in championship action on May 30th, 2009 at Key Stadium in Seattle.
Photography credits: Jules Doyle aka Axle Adams

Outlander (2009)

As a rule, Vikings are some of the toughest people to walk the Earth. Their no nonsense courage in the name of Odin have lead them to explore America and create Ikea and those are some ballsy achievements. So it's rather surprising that there aren't many movies about vikings out there. Despite recent films like Pathfinder and Beowulf, the big screen has been rather Norse free and the Norse we see were not as engaging. It seemed like something was lacking, a mysterious ingredient of success that eluded the viking movie's path towards badassery. The answer was simple, aliens.

Outlander is a mashup of genres. It's the spawn of Beowulf and Aliens with a heaping spoonful of character depth and for good measure, Ron Perlman. It's the tale of how Kainan aka Passion of the Christ Jesus, crash lands his spaceship onto our planet circa Viking times. Stuck on a primitive planet he finds he didn't make it off his ship alone. See, our spaceman Kainan was transporting a beast, and not just any beast, but one made from glowy lights, teeth, and the best bloodthirsty ferocity CGI can come up with. This isn't just an alien monster, it's an ALIEN MONSTER AHHHH RUN type of monster. And even worse, without his fancy ship and it's technology he has to rely on the help of vikings when it gets loose and starts snacking.

Cue the vikings, and they really are vikings. There's the old viking king who wants to protect his people from the monster. There's his spirited daughter who doesn't try to be this female Rambo feminist cliche even though she can wield a sword. There's the viking champion who covets the throne but isn't quite a douche but isn't quite a hero either and his alcoholic warrior buddy. They see the world as vikings do, hunting, pillaging, eating and drinking. It's a good life for them till the spaceman shows up and the monster begins to eat people including a rival village, giving the vikings the double threat of being eaten and being hacked to death in reprisal. But with the help of our hero and his intergalactic know how, they start forming ideas on how to stop said beasty.

In the end, Outlander is just a fun movie with surprising depth to it. It never tries to be more serious than it is, and it's got a lot more polish than typical B movie fare. The acting itself is pretty good and the characters actually have some growth to them so they aren't one dimensional throwaways to be eaten. I give Outlander four viking Gomorrahs, at least until I implement the 80's Robot Scale of Awesome (TM).