Fly

"Come have a drink with us."
"I can't, I'm poor and work tomorrow," I reply.
"You can play Altered Beast on the MAME cabinet."
".........you had me at Altered Beast."

San Francisco drinkers, meet MAME. MAME is reliable, she's dependable, and she brings the fun. MAME is a classy dame. She's also an arcade cabinet with a hundred free emulated arcade games. MAME lives in Fly, Fly is a bar. So we have the Fly bar, and the MAME cabinet, and a happy writer. Because Fly is quite frankly a nice place to be.

If I never actually went in there, I'd discount Fly as another trendy hipster/Marina douchebag hive of scum and villainy, totally not the place yours truly would go to. But then I'd miss out on a pretty good watering hole, and sometimes I need a good watering like a chia pet. For lack of a better description, Fly really is where you'd expect trendy hipster people to go, it's got the ambient lighting, kitschy-ironic-post modern-modern art on the walls, and that clean scandanavian ikea-ish interior decorating. It's fairly big and modern but it's not pretentious like other places. The bartenders are friendly, and pour with a heavy hand; good for that nice buzz, bad for when last call comes along and you find yourself outside in the Transexual Transylvania part of the Tendernob. Yes, Fly is located smack dab in the zerg spawning bed of Tranny hookers. My first few times there I thought it was a trick of the lights against the window, or that someone put a roofie in my drink, but sure enough as it got later in the evening, the groups of young people walking outside started to transform and give way to square jaws, man hands, and fishnet stockings and feathered boas. Of course that has nothing to do with how Fly is as a business. The food itself is pretty damn tasty blend of traditional pub food and californian fusion and the pizzas do a good job of staving off hangover status. But the real gem is MAME in the backroom. Something about being able to drink, eat, and play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for free in a bar makes it sound way cooler than doing it in a dorm room or a house.

Fly is located on the corner of Sutter and Larkin in the Tendernob border of Nob Hill and the Tenderloin. Expect lack of parking, drunk hipsters, and be careful of developing beer goggles, there are trannies everywhere at night.

Star Trek (2009)

Ages ago, in the days of web 1.0 there was a humble website called The Brunching Shuttlecocks. This was the stone age equivalent of CollegeHumor, the premiere source of time wasting circa late 90's to early 2000's. Well the Brunching folks had a Self Made Critic who while reviewing Star Trek 9, came up with this formula for Star Trek movies.

Start with 50 Points, then add or subtract accordingly:

-The Film was based on a TV episode: +20
-The Film featured one of the stars of 7th Heaven: +10
-The Film featured Spock's Father as Spock's Father: +5
-The Film featured Spock's Father as a Klingon: +10
-A major member of the series was killed during the film (either permanently or temporarily): -15
-The captain had some kind of new love interest (ex-wives do not count): +10
-The main story nothing to do with anyone related to a crew member: +10
-Star Trek got religion: -20
-There were extensive ship-to-ship battle scenes: +15
-The Enterprise was destroyed: -10
-The Film was directed by the first officer: +10
-The Film was directed by the captain: -10
-A guest star was once nominated for a Golden Globe Award: +5
-The film featured a minor actor in a minor role who would eventually become a regular cast member on a Star Trek series: + 5
-The crew of the Enterprise saved earth: +10
-The Film was really an allegorical allusion to how we, as a people, need to be nicer to each other: -15
-There was something weird going on with the all-logical/non-feeling character of Spock and/or Data: +5
-The crew of the Enterprise broke a direct order from Starfleet: -5
-Someone traveled through time: +5
-The Villain was a machine, a bunch of pansy whales, or God: -15
-The Villain was Mr. Roarke: +15

Star Trek: The Motion Picture: 75
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: 90
Star Trek III: The Search For Spock: 50
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home: 85
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier: 5
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country: 90
Star Trek: Generations: 70
Star Trek: First Contact: 120
Star Trek: Insurrection: 70
Star Trek: Nemesis: 70

So utilizing this formula, and depending on your interpretation or mine, the score for the newest film is between 100 and 130. In layman's terms, this movie is pure unbridled eye bacony (yes I made that word up) sex.

I am a Trekkie. If you're reading this, then you are one too, or you lost a bet, or I made you read this. Either way, I know my Trek. In fact before the movie even started I won a free popcorn by answering Star Trek trivia in front of the theater because I am that geeky. This movie is not my Star Trek. This is beyond my Star Trek. And yet it is my Star Trek. And it's everyone elses, it's the Ipod of Trek, friendly, accessible, loaded with good sound and display.

If you've ever followed any of the TV series, you know that Star Trek started as a cult show, became a pop culture giant, and then imploded on itself. The last movie didn't make money, the last series was cancelled. And then in the wake of reboot fever, the gods of Hollywood boldly went where everyone went before and tried to go where no one has gone before; making something ultra geeky ultra sexy. When I say this is not my Trek and yet it is, I use this example of how it works and if you're not afraid of spoilers then read on, this movie uses time travel. Did I spoil the movie for you? Only a little, but chances are if you're here then you already knew time travel was involved in the movie to some extent so I'm going to continue with this little tangent.

In one of my favorite Futurama episodes, Fry goes back in time and becomes his own grandfather. He is told not to mess with the past because it will affect the future. This is standard science fiction. So what does Fry do? Become his own grandfather. His fellow time travellers, seeing that he changed the past and forever altering time, literally say "take that causality" as they take their space ship and shoot up Area 51 whilst stealing a microwave dish, essentially flipping off the time space continuum. And you know what, the show continued on as Futurama, not Alternate Futurama, just Futurama. That is this movie.

Awesome to watch? See the formula above, it's a rollercoaster of a movie. It doesn't drag on, it doesn't beat you over the head with weighty philosophical questions like you'd expect from a Star Trek movie, yet it still showcases humanity at it's finest by showing how vulnerable we can be and how strong we can become. Expect what you'd expect from any of the series; shields fail, transporters save people in the nick of time, phasers stun, Bones is acerbic, Chekov talks funny, and Kirk tries to get jiggy with alien babes. We know these things, we expect these things because pop culture made us expect it. Would people who don't watch Star Trek like this movie? Yes, because it's made to be a great movie that just happens to be a sci fi. Would the hardcore Trekkies love it, even the crazy nitpickers who we all know lurk in their mother's basements? Yes, I'd even venture a double yes for the hardcore fans. Because like the Futurama episode, this movie says "take that causality," and in the end these are still the adventures of the starship Enterprise.

Rollin' with a Sockit Wench

It was late July 2007 when I saw it. In the middle of an old aircraft hangar I saw two scantily clad women rolling around the concrete floor pummeling each other with their fists. In the background a Seattle punk band was playing music and there were several thousand people around me hooting and hollering with primitive fascination as we watched these two ladies scuffle. Seconds later, the fighting stopped. Was it an underground fight club I was in the middle of? No, it was roller derby. The victorious woman, known as Pia Mess, was fighting with the person on the other team that tripped her up and even though she was penalized for coming out swinging, she walked away with her head up high like she were the queen of the land. I was staring, I was yelling, I was getting turned on. This was fucking awesome.

Roller Derby has been around for almost a hundred years, but for some reason it never really caught on. As far as people were concerned throughout the years, it was a weird kitschy pseudo-sport akin to dodgeball or curling, something to be regulated to bored kids on the playground or ESPN 3-20 to fill up the time. That all changed in recent years.

So what is Roller Derby? Take roller skating, make it a race, add in elements of full contact hockey and rugby, give it some punk rock sensibilities, and bam, you got something magical. Throw in the fact that much of modern day Roller Derby is an indie sport that is predominantly women and you have a form of female empowerment that would put the 60's to shame. That's right Gloria Steinem, this is the new face of feminism, deal with it.

Where do you find Roller Derby? In old hangars, abandoned stadiums, wherever there is a lot of asphalt and bleachers, or in one case; Key Stadium where the Seattle Supersonics use to play. As of March 2009 there are over 77 leagues governed by the Women's Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA), each self-financed and regulated by large bodies of volunteers and supporters. They're not in it for the money or the fame, they're here to kick asses and take names.

These people will put you in the hospital and they'll do it with lipstick.

I recently had the opportunity to interview the lovely Sister Piston about Roller Derby. Sister Piston plays for the Sockit Wenches, one of the four teams that make up the Rat City Roller Girls based out of Seattle and for the record she can mop the floor with me, with you, and with your mom and she'd sleep like a baby afterwards.

Big Bad Sister Piston

#1 How long have you been doing Roller Derby?

2 years of training

2 years on a league
4 years total

#2 What drew you to the sport, how did you find out about it?

I saw the Rat City logo on a t-shirt (Sassy Chassis' t-shirt to be exact) and looked up the website. I asked to go see it for my birthday and I knew that day that I was going to do it. I told Mister Piston that I was going to do it and he said that he didn't think I was big enough. Boy did I prove him wrong.

#3 The Rat City Roller Girls recently started having bouts at Key Arena, how does it feel to be playing in an arena that's housed the Sonics?

It feels awesome. This team isn't going to just up and leave Seattle because of a business deal...we are Seattle.

I think it's wonderful to have the city, arena staff and sponsors be so supportive of us and to enable us to play in a more professional venue. I hope we get to stay a good long time.

The best part is that we no longer have to turn away fans. Last year, every bout sold out because of a smaller venue size...this year, folks can come and try it out and never worry about finding a place to sit and watch.

#4 Since derby is an indie sport, how much work goes into setting up games, ie funding and promotion?

I honestly think we've moved just beyond indie sport into rising sport given the growth, popularity and the fact that it's managed the test of time very well. The revival has been going strong for at least 6 or 7 years now and shows no signs of slowing with international leagues popping up all over the world.

The work that goes into it is unmeasurable. Girls are warned that they can expect a non-paying part time job when the look to join the league and it is more than true. Every aspect of the work is done, organized, managed or planned by the skaters and their friends.

There are girls that commit more time than a full time job to the sport in addition to practice and skating. There are also girls that do much less than a part time job, but when you step back and look at the situation, you see that these girls are also juggling school, a family and work on top of that.

Most of us lie somewhere in the middle doing that part time job thing.

#5 How strong are the rivalries between local teams, if you see each other on the streets is there any West Side Story-ish confrontations or is it all hugs and kisses?

There's an adage in the sport that what happens on the track stays on the track. I think that we are lucky that this is true about 98 percent of the time. Every once in a while gals lose a bit of self control and harsh words are exchanged, but for the most part, the drama gets left behind at the whistle.

That's not to say that rivalries aren't extremely strong...they are. All of us want to win. No one wants to lose...and there have definitely been some weird interpersonal things that have lead to tension between specific teams. I think it adds to the experience.

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned right?

#6 Whats the worst injury you've sustained while playing?

Hmm...I'm knocking on wood right now because I've been lucky so far.

I'd say the worst was a dislocated/separated shoulder (not sure what the official diagnosis was). I wasn't even in a game, just doing a drill and landed with all of my weight right on the top of my shoulder popping it out. I was laying in bed that night and rolled onto it and heard the biggest "chunk" sound and it popped back in and I dropped about an inch. I'll tell ya, it was like that whole, ripping the tape off the skin fast thing. It was a lot less painful after that one moment.

#7 Do you foresee retiring from the sport, or will they have to pry the skates off your cold dead feet someday?

I'm going for the cold dead feet stance. I think even when I am too broken to play anymore I will be involved with coaching or some other aspect. It's really a big part of my life and it's done so much good for me that I can't bear the thought of saying goodbye to it completely.

#8 Since derby is all self financed, how much would a typical derby player end up shelling out over a year?

I would say around....$1000 for gear and dues per year. But it's really hard to tell because you've got transportation costs to go to practice and meetings like 7 days a week, you end up spending money and fundraisers because we all tend to want to support each other and if girls can afford it they often spend a good deal on airfare to go to boot camps and RollerCon to become even better. Then there's the medical costs. Those are the big whammy.

I've said often that this is not a poor woman's sport. It's like polo sorta...you have to expect to drop some serious cash at some point.

#9 How can the fans help out besides showing up at games?

Check out the volunteer options. There's almost always something someone can do to help set things up or tear down.

And SPONSOR SPONSOR SPONSOR! If you own a business or you know someone that owns a business....start talking/thinking sponsorship. Nothing makes the derby world rock more than a good sponsor. Except winning a game.

Every dollar counts, buy merchandise, talk to your boss about a great advertising opportunity...spread the word.

#10 Any memorable bouts you'd like to share with our readers?

I would say the most memorable bout has to be one where I was just a wee beginner. It was the championship game the year before last Sockit Wenches vs Derby Liberation Front (insert speech about bitter rivalry here), my second game to play ever....I was pretty much just trying not to fall down and keep up with the pack at that point.

Our captain, and one of our star jammers, Drew Blood gets hit by Kitty Kamikaze and doesn't get up. This was not good. Our team was pretty shaken and during the half time many of us went to see her in the EMT area (just a sheet on a string back then) and she kept telling us all that she was fine, just out for the game.

So we go back and manage to win it, for her. We found out after the game that she had four broken vertebrae in her back and was high on morphine when we were all talking to her.

#11 How much has derby impacted your life?

I would say it's changed my life completely. I went from being a shy introvert behind a computer every day of my life to an outgoing, active and strong individual who isn't afraid of looking silly in the quest for finding more joy in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I still love computers. But now I know how to talk to people without a qwerty.

Catch Sister Piston and the Rat City Roller Girls in championship action on May 30th, 2009 at Key Stadium in Seattle.
Photography credits: Jules Doyle aka Axle Adams

Tortilla Heights

You can find good Mexican in San Francisco pretty easily. Being a town full of foodies, the people who live in this city know that good Mexican food is abundant and cheap. So it stands to reason that expensive Mexican food would be superior in every way. I mean instead of meat from questionable sources, they'd have meat from Nimon Ranch so it's gotta be better, right? Wrong, dead wrong, terribly wrong. Case in point, Tortilla Heights.

Anyone whose been around the block looking for a good burrito will tell you that a good Mexican place will be kind of divey, the staff will have dubious American Citizenship, everything on the menu is inexpensive, and if it's not a taco truck; it's a building in a ghetto-ish area. Tortilla Heights is none of these things. For one thing, Tortilla Heights is located in the Pacific Heights rich person neighborhood. It also has a tiki bar decor, which implies to me that rich people have confused Mexicans with Hawaiians. Not only that, but everyone who was a server looked like they came from a sorority. I would've been fine with all of these had my food been good, or had it been cheap, but alas it was neither.

After dinner with a good dozen of my cohorts, the general consensus was Tortilla Heights had some of the blandest Mexican food this side of the border. My chimichunga was literally flavorless. The meat inside had no seasoning or marinade, nor did it have any ingredients beyond the meat that would add any sort of taste to it. It was also $12 dollars. For $12 I could've eaten at two or even three places in the Mission District and tasted something more flavorful. The person next to me had an appetizer plater of nachos, which would sound appealing except the cheese they used looked and tasted like the cheese you have to pump out of a 7-11 nacho station. Looking at the faces of everyone at the end and it was unanimous, this place sucked. If there was any one saving grace, it was the churros. However, it's hard to fuck up fried dough with cinnamon sugar sprinkled on it so that's not saying much.

Overall, Tortilla Heights is a bland and pricey experience. The ingredients taste fresh, and wont make you sick but it's no Celia's or Tommy's as far as gourmet Mexican goes. Even worse, if you're thinking of stopping by there for a cool margarita on a hot day you'd be greated by some of the worst ventilation in any building. I assume it's to simulate the mexican heat, but no air conditioning or open windows on a hot day probably constitutes a crime somewhere. My recommendation, walk down the street to Japan Town and get ramen instead.

Tortilla Heights is located on the corner of Divisadero and Bush in Pacific Heights.

Royal Ground Coffee

Living in a crazy town like San Francisco, you find yourself surrounded by caffeine addicts. Being the drinking town of the west, a hub of finance, and well land of the weird insomniacs, coffee is our lifeline. We are Seattle's best friend, which is probably why Seattle and San Francisco have the same vibe. In any case, coffee is our brown gold and we crave it like zombies crave brains, we're coffee zombies.

Royal Ground Coffee is a coffee zombie's friend. Coffee, breakfast, hot and cold sandwiches for vegetarians and meatagetarians, wi-fi, and a laundromat. It's not a beatnik place, or a place for suits, it's just a neighborhood coffee shop, the place you go to relax in before and after you get wasted. It's like the snuggie of coffee shops.

Walking into the place, it has a very open feeling from the high ceilings, it doesn't feel cramped, nor does it feel yuppy-like. The menus are done in chalk, a sign of any good establishment, and there's a lot of good options for beverages and deli sandwiches. I highly recommend the Cafe Mocha due to it tasting more chocolatey than most mocha coffees your's truly has had in a while. The Chai is also nice, even though I think there's no such thing as bad chai unless it's made from asses and dirt.

As for other amenities, there's free wifi, which gets ridiculously heavy use; a laundromat directly connected to the joint; and the crown jewel of any establishment, a crazyish owner and a sweet and sassy barista. It's as homey as D clown.

Royal Ground Coffee is located on the corner of Fillmore and Pine St. You are encouraged to tip heavily, TIP HEAVILY.

The Frag Dolls: Heartbreakers and Lifetakers

If I could describe the Frag Dolls as anything, I would use the term Badass Chicks. Employed by Ubisoft, the Frag Dolls are a group of female gamers who compete professionally in tournaments, market and promote Ubisoft games, and are at the forefront of promoting female gamers as a whole. Easy on the eyes, busier than a bee, and deadly with the controller, these girls do it all including earning the distinction of being the first all female team to win a pro circuit tournament when they won first place in the Rainbow Six: Vegas tournament at CPL (Cyberathlete Professional League) 2006.

The Frag Dolls circa 2008

I recently had the opportunity to interview Brookelyn of the Frag Dolls. Brookelyn was one of the original members of the team and continues to promote women in the gaming industry today as part of the team. I thank Brookelyn and the rest of the Frag Dolls for the opportunity.

The lovely Brookelyn

#1 - The Frag Dolls have the leader of Clan PMS as one of their members. Does that ensure a very close relationship with the members of Clan PMS (i.e. when recruiting new dolls, promotion, etc.)

Not necessarily with PMS alone, every girl that supports us and tends to be more active in our forums will definitely outshine over candidates. I would consider spending time at our events and around our forums an advantage. It allows us to get to know the girl in more depth. We have the opportunity to see her skills and personality vs. a girl we know nothing about, other than her application herself. With that said, this by no means determines the outcome. Example: Former Frag Doll Calyber- we knew nothing about her, but fall in love with her resume, video and gaming skills. We disappointed a lot of our friends, but we knew in our hearts Calyber was a perfect match for us.

#2 - As employees of Ubisoft is there more demand and pressures to be great at the "company product" when competing in tournaments with Ubisoft games in them? (I.e. if you're not good at Rainbow Six Vegas 2, you're fired!)

Ubisoft has always been great in supporting us, win or lose. They would never fire us for not being the best, especially because they know how much hard work we put into training for these tournaments.

#3 - The Frag Dolls have been around for several years, do you feel it's easier to for people to accept a female professional gamer now that there are more female gamers in general, or harder because of the perception that most female gamers are casual gamers?

So much easier! Each year that goes by, I see more and more women becoming competitive in gaming. I remember my first year playing competitively for MLG, it seemed like the girls that did attend the event were just there to support/watch their boyfriends compete. It blows my mind how much girls in gaming have grown. When I first started with PMS (Pandora Might Soldier’s) there was only 10 members- 4 ½ years later, it’s over 500. Crazy huh? I’m really close with a lot of the girls in PMS and I have been competing with them for years. I know firsthand how competitive they are.

#4 - The Frag Dolls seem to combine a gaming team, with a marketing team, with a community management team. Which of those aspects seem the hardest?

I think the marketing side was more of a challenge for me. I was very anti-social before becoming a Frag Doll. Having to do interviews, press, and TV were all very scary for me at first. The marketing side of Frag Dolls has given me the tools to grow in this industry. I have learned so much! It has made me more confident, knowledgeable and strong.

#5 - Valkyrie and former doll Calyber are both on WCG Ultimate Gamer. Does this mean we'll see more Dolls in the future installments of that show?

You're not going to get any spoiler’s outta me. I will say…I love the show! Finally, a well produced gaming show that allows the main stream audience to see all aspect of competitive gaming. Did you watch episode 2 yet, when Valkyrie went head to head with Kelly Kelly (Ms. Violence)? It was so intense!

#6 - How would you feel about competing against your teammates in a tournament if it was nothing but singles matches?

We do it all the time in practice. It is way more challenging, because we have played together for so long; we know exactly what they’re going to do before they do it. As far as competing against them on a professional level, I would hate every moment of it! We have to compete against PMS all the time during Major League Gaming tournaments. It’s always sad when you have to knock out your friends.

#7 - With the number of lady gamers in the world growing each year, do you think Ubisoft would ever turn your team coed if we reached a point where the gamer population was half women or more?

I personally don’t think it will ever go co-ed, but I do think people will be seeing us sub in players for upcoming tournaments. Frag Dolls is a part-time job, and sometimes we have different events happening in our life that doesn’t allow us to compete with the team at the moment. To ensure the remaining of the girls get to compete, we will and have subbed players in, boy or girl. It just depends who works best with us as a team.

#8 - The UK Fragdolls and the French Fragdolls were recently disbanded, any word on why Ubi decided that?

I’m not sure about why the UK and France Ubisoft offices decided to disband the team. From what I read in their fare ware blog, it seemed that they were headed off to exciting new adventures. That is one great thing about being a Frag Doll; so many opportunities come our way. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them was working for NASA now. :P

#9 - Any fun stories you'd like to share from traveling around the country competing and promoting?

There is just too many to share them all. I’m very easy when it comes to being entertained. I’m originally from Wichita, Kansas, so even going somewhere like Kentucky or North Carolina was fun for me. I did get invited to attend the Golden Globes this year. I got to teach celebrities how to play Ubisoft titles. It was amazing!

#10 - (The Fluff Question) As a group of fairly attractive gamer girls travelling around the country, how often do people ask you guys out/propose to you guys?

Not as much anymore. In the beginning it seemed like all the time, but now that more and more girls are gaming we aren’t considered rare treasures as much anymore. This is fine for me; I get shy with that type of attention.

M4 Airsoft Assault Rifle

"What's it like having a gun?"
"It's like having two cocks, if one of your cocks could kill someone."
-Mclovin and Officer Michaels in Superbad


Much like the classic Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, I spent my holidays trying to obtain a BB gun. Much like A Christmas Story, I feared shooting my eye out. However, unlike A Christmas Story I am not a young child, and the following product is not a Red Ryder BB Gun but an M4 Airsoft Rifle from Thinkgeek.com. Why would I buy an airsoft rifle you ask? The official reason I give, to chase seagulls away from my home, but the truth is the same as why anyone gets a gun or gun like product, to shoot things.

For the low price of 24.99 off Thinkgeek.com, the M4 is a bargain basement level entry gun. It's accurately scaled and detailed enough that you could scare your roommates with it if you wanted to. The gun itself comes with a multitude of accessories such as a laser sight, blue LED flashlight, tactical harness, speed loader, and for those who fear shooting their eyes out, safety goggles. In short, if you have the burning need to shoot something but don't want to deal with things like waiting periods and the law and the temptation to go postal with nerd rage, an M4 Airsoft Rifle is a good alternative.

The only bad thing is that for such a low price, you kind of get what you paid for. The picatinny rail is a pain to slide things onto and the assembly instructions are in terrible engrish. The three point harness comes disassembled and going off the diagrams it's almost impossible to assemble it at all. But overall, if you wanna shoot and are on a budget, this is your gun. I give it a solid 3 1/2 gun toting Gomorrahs.