A long time ago, in a studio far far away, there was a young George Lucas. George rose up to become a geek icon by creating something called Star Wars. Years later, after a lifetime of hookers and blow (or something along those lines) George tore everything he created down by creating prequels to his cultural phenomenon. Humanity wept, the internet went ablaze with flaming discussions over the merits of Jar Jar Binks, and here we are. Flash forward to 2008 and we have the Clone Wars movie, not to be confused with the Clone Wars shorts (which were amazing and packed more story, action, romance, and plot in every 3 minutes than Return of the Sith), an animated feature showing "other" stories from the prequel era.
First off, for those who care, this is not a real movie. This is a two hour multimillion dollar pay per view pilot episode for an upcoming TV series aimed at teens. With that in mind, you can forgive the dialogue and writing, because it's pretty damn bad. The plot of the movie is that Jabba the Hutt's son is kidnapped by the Sith and Anakin, Obi Wan, and Anakin's annoying teenage apprentice have to get him back. Simple plot, easy to follow for even the most dullest of thirteen year olds, action abound, profit, right? I always wondered why the fuck Georgie wants to kiddify Star Wars when the entire series revolve around war, fighting, and losing limbs in some epic battle of good and evil. Anakin isn't whiney or emo this time around, but his teenage jedi apprentice is, oh boy is she bad. There's also a tranny hookah smoking Hutt in the movie too for some reason. Yes, you read that correctly. Still it's Star Wars, and there's some bright spots. Lightsaber battles, always awesome to see. Gigantic slugging matches between enormous space ships, also cool. Cute little green aliens, sweet. But then everyone opens their mouths again and talk like Jedi would if they had a myspace.
For what the movie is, it's not terrible. It's certainly better than the prequels, but that's like saying a fart is better than a stinking toilet log. As a made for tv movie, I'd be all for it, but for something you pay 10 bucks in the theater for, they could have done better. Sad George, we keep hoping you'll make us love you again. The Clone Wars gets 2 1/2 Forced Gomorrahs. Haha, get it, Forced, the Force, ahhhh I slay me.
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