Friday, January 30, 2009

M4 Airsoft Assault Rifle


"What's it like having a gun?"
"It's like having two cocks, if one of your cocks could kill someone."
-Mclovin and Officer Michaels in Superbad


Much like the classic Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, I spent my holidays trying to obtain a BB gun. Much like A Christmas Story, I feared shooting my eye out. However, unlike A Christmas Story I am not a young child, and the following product is not a Red Ryder BB Gun but an M4 Airsoft Rifle from Thinkgeek.com. Why would I buy an airsoft rifle you ask? The official reason I give, to chase seagulls away from my home, but the truth is the same as why anyone gets a gun or gun like product, to shoot things.

For the low price of 24.99 off Thinkgeek.com, the M4 is a bargain basement level entry gun. It's accurately scaled and detailed enough that you could scare your roommates with it if you wanted to. The gun itself comes with a multitude of accessories such as a laser sight, blue LED flashlight, tactical harness, speed loader, and for those who fear shooting their eyes out, safety goggles. In short, if you have the burning need to shoot something but don't want to deal with things like waiting periods and the law and the temptation to go postal with nerd rage, an M4 Airsoft Rifle is a good alternative.

The only bad thing is that for such a low price, you kind of get what you paid for. The picatinny rail is a pain to slide things onto and the assembly instructions are in terrible engrish. The three point harness comes disassembled and going off the diagrams it's almost impossible to assemble it at all. But overall, if you wanna shoot and are on a budget, this is your gun. I give it a solid 3 1/2 gun toting Gomorrahs.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Outlander (2009)



As a rule, Vikings are some of the toughest people to walk the Earth. Their no nonsense courage in the name of Odin have lead them to explore America and create Ikea and those are some ballsy achievements. So it's rather surprising that there aren't many movies about vikings out there. Despite recent films like Pathfinder and Beowulf, the big screen has been rather Norse free and the Norse we see were not as engaging. It seemed like something was lacking, a mysterious ingredient of success that eluded the viking movie's path towards badassery. The answer was simple, aliens.

Outlander is a mashup of genres. It's the spawn of Beowulf and Aliens with a heaping spoonful of character depth and for good measure, Ron Perlman. It's the tale of how Kainan aka Passion of the Christ Jesus, crash lands his spaceship onto our planet circa Viking times. Stuck on a primitive planet he finds he didn't make it off his ship alone. See, our spaceman Kainan was transporting a beast, and not just any beast, but one made from glowy lights, teeth, and the best bloodthirsty ferocity CGI can come up with. This isn't just an alien monster, it's an ALIEN MONSTER AHHHH RUN type of monster. And even worse, without his fancy ship and it's technology he has to rely on the help of vikings when it gets loose and starts snacking.

Cue the vikings, and they really are vikings. There's the old viking king who wants to protect his people from the monster. There's his spirited daughter who doesn't try to be this female Rambo feminist cliche even though she can wield a sword. There's the viking champion who covets the throne but isn't quite a douche but isn't quite a hero either and his alcoholic warrior buddy. They see the world as vikings do, hunting, pillaging, eating and drinking. It's a good life for them till the spaceman shows up and the monster begins to eat people including a rival village, giving the vikings the double threat of being eaten and being hacked to death in reprisal. But with the help of our hero and his intergalactic know how, they start forming ideas on how to stop said beasty.

In the end, Outlander is just a fun movie with surprising depth to it. It never tries to be more serious than it is, and it's got a lot more polish than typical B movie fare. The acting itself is pretty good and the characters actually have some growth to them so they aren't one dimensional throwaways to be eaten. I give Outlander four viking Gomorrahs, at least until I implement the 80's Robot Scale of Awesome (TM).

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Fallout 3



Nuclear war sucks, that much is obvious. In fact it's pretty much agreed that not much good comes from nuclear weapons except post nuclear apocalyptic fiction. Which brings us to Fallout 3, Bethesda's entry into the Fallout series of games. If you never picked up a Fallout game in your life, imagine playing a game set in the world of Mad Max 2 where you're trying to eek out an existence in the post apocalyptic wastelands of the world, that's Fallout.

The game starts out with the character being born, literally born, from their mother's womb. From there, a series of very clever character creation processes are laced into the introduction and the game begins. The story starts out in Vault 101, an underground fallout shelter that's survived the nuclear holocaust that devastated the world around you. Mr. Vault 101 as you'll be known as through most of the game is awoken one night and told his father has left the Vault and journeyed into the world outside. It's up to you to travel outside of the only home you've known and find him.

Upon stepping outside of the Vault, you'll find yourself in the wastelands of Washington DC, and I mean Wastelands. The "beauty" of the game's graphics is that when you look at the vast expanse of what use to be our nation's capital you see a scarred and ruined land littered with the decaying skeletons of our nation's monuments. The entire environment of the game is delicately crafted to look like a couple hundred years have passed after the world went to ruin. Debris is everywhere, skeletons posed in the position they were in life lay in beds and bathtubs, and the world is in a perpetual fog of war. As the player ventures further out into the rather expansive environment, they find all the things one would find after a nuclear holocaust. Bands of marauders raiding and pillaging, settlements of survivors of varying degrees of prosperity, aggressive genetic mutants of all kinds, and lingering radioactive areas of nuclear fallout. In short, it's a harsh unforgiving world.

Gameplay wise, Fallout is an interesting mix of Roleplaying Game and First Person Shooter. In a lot of ways it plays like Elder Scrolls, another Bethesda game. The game does follow a linear story, but with the vast expanse of Post Apocalyptic Washington DC and the many side quests and locations coupled with the sandbox environment of the game, a person could be playing for hours and not even advance the storyline one bit. Combat can be traditional first person shooter, or resolved through Vault Tec Assisted Tactical Situations (V.A.T.S.) where a player can select actions and hit locations they're targeting and let the computer resolve the probability they hit or miss. It's very useful for those with poor first person shooter skills. You can also switch from first person to third person mode, however the nature of the camera and the player's position almost virtually ensures you'll always play in first person mode. You also look like you're moving very stiffly in third person and that detracts from the game. The only other complaint I could find with the gameplay is that the game is prone to crashing, despite a patch being out that supposedly fixes that issue.

Music wise, the game comes supplied with in game radio stations that play a mix of propaganda for various factions, patriotic tunes, and old songs from the 1950's. It's a strange juxtaposition when you're shooting mutants with a missile launcher to old timey jazz. The voice acting in the game is very top notch, with celebrity voices such as Malcolm McDowell as President John Henry Eden and Liam Neeson as the voice of your father.

Overall, Fallout 3 is a top notch game that will threaten to suck your time and productivity away for hours on end. With a game environment that's huge, and dozens of side quests and ways you could play the game, a person could go through the story several times and have it end differently each time. I give Fallout 3 four irradiated Gomorrahs. They're like regular Gomorrahs but may mutate and grow extra limbs.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Kennedy's Irish Pub & Curry

As a rule, there's no such thing as Irish Indians. In fact ask most Irishmen and they'll have no idea what the fuck Curry or Naan is. Yet in a melting pot like San Francisco, a place such as Kennedy's Irish Curry can exist as this magical place of Indian food and Irish beer.

The place is, as best as I can describe it, Chuck E Cheese for adults. Like a place that has all the things adults like to do, but in one building. Booze? This place has over 100 types of beer and wine to chose from. Cheap prices for food and drink, yup they got that too. Pool tables and fooseball, check. Hookah, yes there's Hookah, that magical incense smelling smoke thats just as bad for you as cigarettes but has more aesthetic appeal. Wifi, a Big Buck arcade game, and an air hockey table round things out. Plus the place is cavernous, large enough to hold any huge group that invades it's premises. So at a glance, this place kicks ass and after spending time here, I have to agree.

The bar and games area form a donut around the restaurant part, giving the place an odd juxtaposition of families eating Indian food being surrounded by drunk weirdos on the fringes. The food itself is actually pretty damn good. It's no place like Shalimar (another restaurant I should review), but it's several levels above a typical Naan and Curry disaster restaurant. I highly recommend the dosa and the stuffed naan, but be careful, their hot stuff is ridiculously hot.

If there were any real complaints to be had about this place, it would be it's location. Located on the border of North Beach and the Marina district, this place is not easy to get to. The parking is iffy, especially if there's a show going on at Bimbos, which is across the street. The major road leading to the place is Columbus, which anyone who has ever driven on knows is a nightmare. And there's no easy Freeway access. Furthermore, it's proximity to the Marina District makes it a popular haunt for the now infamous Marina douchebags.

Kennedy's Irish Pub & Curry is located on the corner of Columbus and Chestnut across from Bimbos at the tail end of North Beach. They take cash and credit card and are a great venue for large groups. Definitely a solid 4 1/2 Gomorrahs.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Bacon Salt



Bacon, we love it. In fact it's a known fact that bacon is the most beloved food on the planet. Proof of this bold statement you ask? Bacos, Fakeon Bacon, and the other dozen bacon substitutes. Bacon is so beloved that vegetarians, people who cannot enjoy the beauty of such food, go to great lengths of science to invent a substitute for this divine meat. Hence we've come a long long way when here in the 21st century the scientists of our world brought us Bacon Salt, combining the essence of bacon with the practicality of salt.

According to the makers of bacon salt, "Bacon Salt is a zero calorie, zero fat, vegetarian and kosher seasoning that makes everything taste like bacon." So in short, bacon salt is to be enjoyed by all, and is probably good on it's own. Seriously, it makes things smell like bacon, a scent scientifically proven to be an aphrodisiac for men. Imagine if people salted icy roads with bacon salt, the streets would taste like bacon and children would be drawn outside to play all the time. It'd be a utopia on earth. Now, if technology could go further and crossbreed a vegetable with bacon, then we'd know we reached the epoch of human achievement. But until then, bacon salt shall save us from ourselves.

P.S. Do not bacon salt a can of PBR, despite what you may think, it's a half cocked idea.

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Clone Wars (2008)


A long time ago, in a studio far far away, there was a young George Lucas. George rose up to become a geek icon by creating something called Star Wars. Years later, after a lifetime of hookers and blow (or something along those lines) George tore everything he created down by creating prequels to his cultural phenomenon. Humanity wept, the internet went ablaze with flaming discussions over the merits of Jar Jar Binks, and here we are. Flash forward to 2008 and we have the Clone Wars movie, not to be confused with the Clone Wars shorts (which were amazing and packed more story, action, romance, and plot in every 3 minutes than Return of the Sith), an animated feature showing "other" stories from the prequel era.

First off, for those who care, this is not a real movie. This is a two hour multimillion dollar pay per view pilot episode for an upcoming TV series aimed at teens. With that in mind, you can forgive the dialogue and writing, because it's pretty damn bad. The plot of the movie is that Jabba the Hutt's son is kidnapped by the Sith and Anakin, Obi Wan, and Anakin's annoying teenage apprentice have to get him back. Simple plot, easy to follow for even the most dullest of thirteen year olds, action abound, profit, right? I always wondered why the fuck Georgie wants to kiddify Star Wars when the entire series revolve around war, fighting, and losing limbs in some epic battle of good and evil. Anakin isn't whiney or emo this time around, but his teenage jedi apprentice is, oh boy is she bad. There's also a tranny hookah smoking Hutt in the movie too for some reason. Yes, you read that correctly. Still it's Star Wars, and there's some bright spots. Lightsaber battles, always awesome to see. Gigantic slugging matches between enormous space ships, also cool. Cute little green aliens, sweet. But then everyone opens their mouths again and talk like Jedi would if they had a myspace.

For what the movie is, it's not terrible. It's certainly better than the prequels, but that's like saying a fart is better than a stinking toilet log. As a made for tv movie, I'd be all for it, but for something you pay 10 bucks in the theater for, they could have done better. Sad George, we keep hoping you'll make us love you again. The Clone Wars gets 2 1/2 Forced Gomorrahs. Haha, get it, Forced, the Force, ahhhh I slay me.

The Dark Knight (2008)

There is no entry for Dark Knight. The movie was perfect, you already saw it and don't need me to validate that statement. Deal.